Circle of Life

This week has been filled with so many ups and downs since Saturday and its only Wednesday!! Life can be so very strange! Saturday we learned good friends of ours had lost thier mother/mother-in-law. Very suddenly! Then the newest addition to our very larger immediate family was born on Monday--beautiful little girl! This up and down with births and death just reminds me how quickly life goes and how very much we are a "circle" of life.

As we visited our newest family member, the adults were all "gaga" if you will about the sweet, tiny, innocent little lady who had just come into the world. Everyone oohing and aahing and wanting to hold this precious little life! Totall normal for us adults, but my children, while happy their cousin was here, just weren't really into the whole "new baby" thing! I could tell that my youngest was beginning to feel the effects of no longer being the youngest in the family.

As we drove it occurred to me that although I love the baby stage, the newborn smell--I was in fact grateful to have had that stage three times, but now I was loving the stage my children were in. I turned around and told my children how much I loved the stage that they were in where we could communicate, they were more independent and were exploring the world around them. My youngest seems to enjoy hearing this most of all!

That night as I talked with each one before bed, my youngest and I talked about all the growth she has had and how much she is learning now that she is in kindergarten. She and I talked about how awesome it that she will be the older one that will be able to play with her new cousin and teach her all about itty bitty baby and barbies!

My middle child, my "old soul" child who has so much insight and is wise beyong her years, said to me "mommy, I wish we could stay this age forever, you at 37 and me at 7 years old. We won't grow and will be together for always." I looked at her with her beautiful big eyes, and said "I know, but we can't, all we can do is enjoy our time and our ages right now, and look forward to all that we have ahead of us. She shook her head and sweetly hugged me, telling me she loves me. Violet amazes me, her kindness, her loving nature, and her intuitiveness as she seems to know that time is fleeting and we are all born, we grow, we age, we live, and we die....

My oldest of course is 10 and could care less at this moment about another girl cousin and how that plays into his life--is thinks its great, but hey we got our ipod touch and more on our mind, like what book to read next for his golden sowers,and who he will hang out with after school the next day!

As for me, I am deeply touched my my middle childs words. I am constantly reminded how very quickly it all comes and goes, faster and faster as we get older. Like the blowing of the wind, the seasons changing, our memories growing, each event in our lives shaping who we are....remembering as a young child how we wanted to be bigger, older, more free....can't wait to be 5, to be 10, to be 16, to be 21.....and then you are, and by the time you are in your thirties you realize why when you were younger so many people would say "what I wouldn't give to be 5 or 16 or 21 again"...

Time--we wish it away, and we wish for more of it...the circle of life as it comes and goes. Hoping we can become the people we want to be; Hoping we will shape our childrens lives to be better than our own; Hoping we make a difference; Hoping in the end to be remembered...

Tonight we say goodbye to someone we knew, we will watch as our friends mourn the loss of a mother/mother-in-law. We will rejoice in the pictures of our new niece and her "firsts" to come. The Circle of life continuing on its course, and how quickly it makes its rounds....

Time for Myself????HMMM..

AH--Monday after a wonderfully BUSY weekend! Just waking up was hard enough for me, but dragging three kids out of bed, on a cloudy, cool, morning to go to school, well that taks patience and bribery!

I realized today that I have pretty much NO TIME just for me, not before school, not after school, not in the bathroom, not after dinner, not even after my wonderful children have drifted off to school. Not that I am complaining, because I am NOT!

This morning after my kiddos got off to school I sat in the front room rading my book, waiting for my 2 year old who I watch everyday--the text came in "keeping him with me today, see you tomorrow". HUH, I have the entire day to myself....hmm, what to do....

I leisurely had my 2 cups of coffee, actually finished my book--awesome! Then what....then what? Paid monthly bills, had a fiber one bar...the house was already cleaned after having had my youngest's birthday party the day before. So what did I do...on a day I have to myself...

I decided to take on my bedroom closets--purging if you will the numerous articles of clothing I no longer wear, or at can fit into....well, just getting rid of things! I spent the next 4 hours working my closets! Yes! This is how i treat myself to a day off...what is wrong with this picture?

And now as I type this I realize that while I did accomplish some great deep cleaning, I also missed an opportunity to savor a full day of nothing....and in just 30 more minutes I will have a housefull of children wanting snacks, teasing one another about any and everything, no privacy to even go to the bathroom without someone banging or screaming on the other side of the door!

Even as I know I don't have much time to myself on any given day; and that on vacation I even tell my husband that when the bathroom door is shut, don't bother talking to me about anything, give me the privacy....after an hour, I am already bored, wondering what to do, waiting with anticipation for the house to be filled with noisy demanding children who hold my entire heart in their hands....

Yep--I don't believe my life could get any better!!!

Another Year...Where does Time Go?

Most people are aware that as we age, the time as we know it seems to slip away faster and faster. As our lives become filled with jobs, bills, pets, and children what we thought was just yesterday we realize was more like 6 years ago! Today my youngest turned 6, and as I usually do, I began remembering her birth, what transpired, her first bath, etc. And then I realized, its been 6 years! SIX!! Where did time go? Not only that, but my oldest is now 10 years old and in fifth grade! My middle child is in 2nd grade...its totally freaking me out!

You look in the mirror, but your reflection hasn't really changed, has it? Other than the fine lines, a few more "laugh" lines, or stress lines....huh, well still, I don't think I look that much older, or do I? Shake that thought off!

Inside I still feel like my twenty year old self, the one before the kids, before the responsibility! Except maybe smarter, maybe calmer. If only I knew then what I know now....LOL, yes that's another saying you hear alot!

I tell my father that he was right, life does speed up as we get older, and suddenly we are in our 30's married, and raising a family of our own. In the blink of an eye our baby goes from birth to kindergarten, and we wonder how is that possible! I get it now, and wish somedays that the time would slow upa nd allow me to savor the moments longer--the ones of holding my children, talking to them before bed, holding my husbands hand just a few moments more....

Ah but the show continues, there is no rewind, only the memories we carry with us--still its something to pause and relish the moments we have....

Still Layering with Effects

The outcome for my grandmother has become painfully clear. Although she is completely aware the majority of the time,she is also affected with low hemoglobin and after a certain point she is glossy eyed, and seems to drift in and out. The doctors have discussed the painful reality-she is not going to recover. She is never come off the trach/vent. Grandma has decided she wants to go home, consistently asking each of us to take her home now! She understand what this means, and also is adamant that she does not want to be in a nursing home. Among her other health problems lies the possibility of internal bleeded, or just that her bone marrow just isn't working properly-leading to anemia and the need for nearly a weekly transfusion. Once she goes home, the reality will be come clearer as the transfusions will no longer be available and hospice is being looked into. Its one thing to see the writing on the wall, quite another when the words are said outloud. I know i speak for everyone in the family when I say none of us are ready for any of this, the losing of a loved one is never an easy thing. Selfishly I want her to stay here, stay in a nursing home, whatever it takes....but I know she is trapped and this is not what she wants. As I contemplate our mortality, another friend is again battling her cancer, it has gone from lung to lung, lung to brain, and now into spine. I take all of this in, wondering why it has to be this way, knowing full well death is a part of living--but no one ever tells you just how hard death is FOR the living!

The Roller Coaster

I love that phrase "Life is like a rollercoaster, enjoy the ride". Recently I have lost a good friend, and now my grandmother is in the hospital ICU. Grandma cannot breath on her own, but her other vitals are pretty good, she is 87 years old with many issues, but this is the biggest right now. Its been a few weeks, she has been ICU, then regular room, now back in the ICU for the past 12 days. Seems like so much longer. But I have heard that phrase in different ways since being at the hospital.

I've heard emotional rollercoaster, ups and downs, this rollercoaster ride, etc. So as I was sitting there, holding my grandmothers hand, watching the different monitors, it occurred to me that the heart rate monitor was exactly that--up and down, rollercoaster. You see the little heart beating, the breaths per minute--hoping things stay calm, within range, good pace--then the sudden spike or drop.

We tend not to see our own life rollercoaster as it is happening but become acutely aware of others lives. Especially while watching the monitors. Knowing how fragile it all is, how you never know when the ride is going to end. I watched the monitors yesterday, realizing how much I don't want her ride to end, how much I want her next step to work, want to hear her voice, want a big hug and to hear about all her medications over and over!

The doctors coming in, saying one thing, speaking of quality of life, making her comfortable, then the next day about recovery. Something I realize so many of us go through--watching other families in ICU, all struggling the same way. All of us with one thing in common--not wanting our loved ones to suffer, but not wanting them to leave us either, each being a little selfish.

Oh For Goodness Sakes....

Well, I'm sure we are all aware of the FACEBOOK networking website...If not then you are missing out! FB is great as far as networking, catching up with old friends, keeping in touch with family, etc. However, one thing I have noticed is that although many users realize this, if you post something to your wall, AND have allowed everyone to see it (this is in your settings) then its public knowledge AND others can and often will respond to the posting. Apparently there is some issue with "trolling" peoples pages and perhaps reading things they may otherwise want kept private....for those persons offended by comments on their walls and what is being said, please don't post them out there for everyone to view. If you want things private the internet probably isn't for YOU. I found this very entertaining yesterday when reading a very simple posting by a friend who was complaining that there are many of us who are not educated in the ways of the Mormon beliefs. When asked to elaborate his wife stated that his mother was one of the people with misconceptions--leading his response to be "hence the education" comment. Now, his mother was hurt by this, and when confronted about his statement, he told everyone "not to troll his posts and mind their business". This of course is what prompted this discussion. Not only is it amusing, but if you are publicly posting things, how is it that someone is trolling a post or suppose to mind their business, you just posted it on the WALL for all in your network of friends/family/etc to view, hence making it their business.

The moral of this post--private is private; but if you post it publicly--you just lost your privacy!!! DUH!

Nothing says Snuggle up Like a Rainy Cold Day

Its yet another rainy and cold day here in the midwest. Apparently showers and the cold air are set to stay around until at least friday--break on saturday--and return by Monday. And so the fall air continues to come in, seemingly early this year. It makes me wary about what this Halloween night will bring, at least weather wise. My children are ready to go--My oldest is going to be Captain Rex, Clone trooper from the cartoon networks CLONE WARS. Seems you are never to young or to old to appreciate Star Wars. My middle one is going to be a cheetah--yet again! Hers is literally the easiest costume to make--Black shirt, Black pants (in my case we got some with sparkles, cheetahs like the bling--then I simply put Cheetah fleece on the cuffs, necklind, and ankles. Add the ears and tail and draw the nose and whiskers! DONE--AND since I tack the fleece on, take it off and there are the sparly pants and black shirt for the fall and winter! My youngest is my most stubborn--and this year creative....She has decided to truly mix and match costumes--she is a bit of Hannah Montana (gotta have the guitar and mircophone), a Wizards of Waverly Place, and a fairy. It was quite the ordeal, but we got it settled!! Now--I have to figure out what my husband and I are going to be--nothing like leaving it to the last minute!

Back to this wonderfully dreary day--the leaves are falling, the rain is dropping, the wind is blowing. I have spent my day with my niece and youngest daughter listening to their games while working on another baby blanket. I have come to the conclusion that all my ideas are just too much for me to bring to fuition. I draw and contemplate, sew and crochet, yet somehow I fall flat when actually getting it all out there. I have numerous supplies, all for an idea here of there that I have come up with--perhaps I have a bit of ADHD, who knows. I know that once I find that niche, it will all become clear.

As I end my afternoon, I don my newest crochet wool socks (love these) and prepare to brave the cool evening to visit with relatives from San Antonio. Four children will be intow--my three and my niece. We will brave the weather, eat with the family, and I will return alone with my children to begin the nightly bedtime routine, which will inevitably include teasing, bickering, and crying. I will finally get them all to sleep and relish each moment I spend with them telling them goodnight. All and All this will have been a truly wonderful day, rain or shine---as every day is meant to be!